The Big ‘G’ Word In Parenting

By Daria Brezinski

A father from Albemarle country writes, “My son attempted suicide by taking Tylenol. Now I am afraid of challanging him in any way or disciplining him for fear that he may do it again. What can I do?”

Parenting today is loaded with Guilt! We feel guilty if we don’t give our children all of the material things that the other children have. We feel guilty if we scold them. Parents, friends, physicians, educators, and corporate America, all try to make us feel as if we are somehow not capable of parenting our own children. When you were young, was there ever a doubt as to who was the father or mother or who made the rules? And what would happen if those rules were broken? We lived in fear of our parents and their wrath. Today, we live in fear of the wrath of our own children! What ever happened to love, honor and obey your parents?

A client said that the reason men and women don’t stay home with their children anymore is because Americans just don’t value parenting. How do we feel about a mother who stays home to raise her children? Think about it and be honest. What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you hear that someone is staying home to raise children? What happens to mom when she gets out in public or at parties? Parents are made to feel guilty about taking a pay decrease to be with their children. It is a thankless job. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if homemakers had business cards to pass out at parties listing any number of jobs and skills? Skills and talents like cook, maid, nurse, doctor, teacher, shouffeur, and Jane-of-all-trades. Instead, we are made to feel that the job is somehow menial, low and worthless. And of course, parents who stay home are not highly regarded intellectually. Parenting needs to be regarded as a valuable career.

Doctors make us feel guilty about the desire to birth naturally or take care of our children the way we see fit. Society is ashamed of mothers nursing in public yet we are glued to the screen that shows sex and violence. We are made to feel guilty about keeping our children out of school until WE feel they are ready. Somehow, only politicians who make the laws, and professionals know what is best for our children. Certainly not us!

Then we have the staggering number of single parents, mostly mothers, who suffer from the guilt of divorce and abandonment. Parenting in these circumstances, becomes a matter of how far to let the guilt ride. Buying toys, overindulging children with whims and unnecessary things, allowing children to talk back to parents, are all the results of the guilt of a broken home. And children feed on it even more with extensive hours of television viewing whose advertising campaign target them into convincing parents that their product is what the child needs to fill the deficiencies.

Children need tough love. They need to have rules- or freedom with a fence around it. They need to know that parents care by making rules for them and boundaries. You are not in a popularity contest here. You are a parent! This is how they learn to be mature adults. Freedom does not mean chaos and catastrophy. It means setting achievable limits and goals for children that interrelate with the morals, values and family structure that is uniquely yours.

You can read all of the books in the world and until you learn to listen to your own heart, free of guilt, you are not going to have a firm handle on parenting. You will be subject to listening to the multitudes of individuals who think they know what is best for your child.

Not giving into the whims and constant wishes of your children builds depth of character. They also learn to be patient and responsible. There is no need for harshness. The  limits can be set with compassion, understanding and firmness.

So dad, the best thing you can do is keep working at your relationship with your son and stand firm. His attempt was a call for help. He needs your attention and your love. Take time to be with him doing meaningful things. Set aside the career for a moment and put him first! Stop lecturing and start finding some of the good things he does and capitalize on them. When they get to be teens, sometimes we forget amid the muck and the mire that they are still children in adult bodies. Most of all, love him for his uniqueness because chances are, he is probably nothing like you.